a history of blisters

The phrase "Wait for Something Better" has always held meaning to me ever since I heard the song "This is Your Life" by the Killers four years ago. 2008 was the beginning of a very hard period in my life, and this phrase always seemed to encourage me. Even when things were terrible and I didn't want to even bother getting out of bed, this phrase brought perspective to me. Yeah, my life wasn't what I wanted and for awhile I was fighting a pretty hard case of depression and self abusive behavior. But this phrase reminded me that no matter how terrible I thought it was, if I just waited, something better may come along. Today may have been as awful as the last, but tomorrow had the potential to be better.

Four years later, I feel that all that waiting has finally paid off. My life is going in a completely different direction than I had ever imagined it would, but it has done nothing but improve. Twenty-three was always an age I looked forward to, even as child, as being one of the best years a person can have for a plethora of reasons. And with this year almost at a close, I feel my younger self's foresight was surprisingly accurate. This has been the best year of my life so far. I wake up happy, I go to bed happy, and I am well on my way to a future that holds nothing but promise for me. I'm glad I haven't let my younger self down in her high hopes for all this year of life could be.

So, from here I will start an introduction.

My name is Karen. I am twenty-three year old California girl raised in the heart of Texas. I created this blog quite awhile ago to begin mapping out my journey through what I expected to be the greatest year of my life. And while this year has been fantastic, not a single post was ever made.

Therefore, my New Years Resolution is this: to start now. I have been waiting for something better for almost four years and now that so many opportunities and doors have been opened to me, I feel it is time for me to take action. I hope that through effort and hard work, I'll be able to fully take my future into my own hands and keep my past from repeating itself. That I'll be able to keep my life on this path of positivity and success, rather than feeling trapped in helpless situations where all I could do was endure, hoping that one day, something better may come along.

i said just about all of the things you shouldn't say

Have you ever reread an old entry you've written and been astonished when it almost bring you to tears? Tears over the emotions it stirs inside you, tears showing your sympathy towards who you used to be and what you were going through, tears over the things that you hoped to change but never did. I love site like these because they give me a clear glimpse of who I used to be, how I used to think. It allows me to remember why exactly it is I felt or thought the way I used; to realize just how flawed I really was all that time.

I suppose this site is very similar to what an old friend of mine referred to it as, as time capsule. It contains all the pain, joy, and moments in your life you can never hope to remember fully or hold onto. Yet, eventually those moments seem less important, less critical to your life, less and less like something you really should be holding onto. Suddenly you see yourself for what you were, a lost girl searching for meaning in her life and falling short. You want to shake her and point out all her mistakes, show her the blind spot in her vision that she just can't see. And yet, you can't help but feel pity for her. She knew no better, you knew no better at the time and you cannot change that.

All you can do is learn to let go, piece by piece, entry by entry, of who you used to be. Sure, that little girl will still be part of who you are, but her struggles were your stepping stones to who you are today, without her you would not be who you are now. But holding onto every misstep, every falter against the struggles of life will only hold you back from looking forward to the future steps you must take. Every moment clinging to too good times you no longer have keeps you from creating new ones.

Despite this we all look over the past, we look to say "Look how far I have a come!" especially when the future seems so daunting. But the future is all we have now and the past has become simply words on a page, memoirs of a time slowly fading into the mists of memory. So, we turn to those entries we wrote in earnest. All those moments when we found ourselves pouring out all our thoughts and words with such vindictive clarity. All those times where we felt we understood. Understood what it mean to be us. Understood what it meant to be human. Understood what it meant to live.

And yet, what we understood then, we don't now. What we thought then seems simple naivety now. What seemed so clear at 16 is so difficult to discern at 22. And so you can't help but wonder, what did any of it ever really mean?